(no subject)
me sorta
rikkimasala
I don't exactly know why I'm back here or how long I'll stay. I guess we'll see. Well one reason I'm here was I remembered it existed and had pictures of me along with my brutally honest thoughts and status of my life. Well, I have a real job now and I don't need the people I work with to come across this. I realized that could happen when I gave out my email address which is the same name as this account and a google search on that address brings up this journal. Ehh, whatever.

So my last post was about me being a functional addict. That may have been a bit exaggerated. I've cut back on my drug use significantly and notice no adverse effects nor do I really crave anything. I'm not really an addictive person anyway and my cutting back really wasn't a conscious decision; it was mostly just the way things happened.

I'm not partying much any more and don't really want to. I think I was over it in the beginning of the year but I held on for too long after it all was no longer interesting which made it suck more and more. I kept trying to recreate my excitement and never succeeded. Right now I'm boring which is fine with me.

The whole thing with the dancer is kinda fucked. At least right now. Its not working out. He still lives with me and that just makes it more fucked. I don't know how much longer that's going to last. I do feel like I have some sort of commitment to him since I offered for him to live with me and without that he couldn't realistically come to San Francisco to dance and if I kick him out he'd be utterly fucked. But still... If things don't get any better before Christmas break I'm gonna let him know he'll need to figure something else out and give him some time to do that.

We went to Amsterdam last week for the Thanksgiving break. About an hour into the vacation he got really weird and persisted throughout the week. One day, we were supposed to go to The Hague so he could meet with a dance company and workout with them; kind of a first step to potentially joining the company in a year or two. He set up a time to do that and I planned out how to get there. I've been to The Netherlands many many times and I know how to get around. It was his first time. On the day we were to go he kept second guessing me about the timing, thinking we had more time than we had and kept dragging his feet and we got to the train station late and missed the last train that would have gotten us there in time. I tried to tell him we were going to be late but he ignored me until we really were too late then he freaked out and became totally irrational. We spent that day pissed off at each other. That day really soured me on him. The whole trip soured me on him. I dunno.

Anyway, so I guess I'll keep this up for a while. I'm kinda boring at the moment but whatever.

(no subject)
me sorta
rikkimasala
Still alive. I definitely have a drug problem. Oops. I'm a functional addict. How long that will last I don't know. I've honestly come to terms with the fact that the end of my current path is some kind of death either in a glorious hail of bullets or an overdose. Such is my life... I doubt I'll see another birthday.

(no subject)
me sorta
rikkimasala
I'm not sure why I'm posting again. Its not like anyone reads this. Whatever, I will again at some point and either shake my head or laugh or sadly wish I was "that young" again if I read this far enough in the future. I wonder what solid advice that future self will have for me now. Hah, I often wish I could go back to my 13 year old self, smack my young self around a bit and tell him not to waste so much of his life on various lies and wishes. I probably should smack myself around now for whatever stupidity I'm acting out at the moment. Right now that stupidity either seems like the right thing or is something I'm too emotionally lazy to recognize and do something about. Let's see what one or more of those stupid things may be.

I'm getting involved with a 24 year old ballet dancer. He's moving here from Las Vegas and will be living with me. We met in early May when he was in San Francisco for an audition. We clicked instantly. He's not like most people. I've come to learn that many people whose lives are deeply in the arts are not like most people. For the most part all he knows is Dance. He's quite naieve when it comes to most everything else. His life is Dance, Dance, Dance and two crappy retail jobs to help pay the bills. When he's not teaching, learning or performing he's working. His top priority is dance. He's made this clear to me and I understand and accept that.

So Rick from the future what went wrong there?

Was his focus on dance and your standing as a lower priority in his life a real problem and not something you could handle like you thought you could?

Was the fact that besides your strong connection that goes beyond words, when it came to words there wasn't much of substance to say a growing problem?

Or was it he landed a job in New York or somewhere far away? Somewhere you couldn't or wouldn't go? Wow, you knew that was a strong possibility. You probably went ahead, gave your heart and soul away to him and now he's gone and your place as second priority is the salt in your wounds.

Was the age difference becoming a problem for one or both of you?

Was it the thing you fear most but don't yet seriously acknowledge? Was he taking advantage of you for a free place to live enabling him to focus 100% on dance without having to work? Did he get a job a Cirque after all of that and leave you? Was he using you all along and the whole naive act was just part of his con-game? Were you that stupid? Jesus, please don't say that is what happened. I mean if so you really should consider downing a handful of Xanax with a vodka chaser. Seriously, go do it now. You're dangerous to yourself and others.

Did you blow what little remaining time you had that could be considered youth with him and now you're too old to find anyone who isn't as old and worn out as you?


Was it something I can't even envision at this time? Or maybe you guys are together and happy. So then what else got fucked up due to your stupidity?


I've been working on the basis of a new company for some time now. I still feel its a good idea but to bring it to market is going to take more resources than I have or have the energy to gather. Its still a risk too. I could work really hard and end up with nothing but debt and failed attempts to raise money. Making things worse is that I have a job offer for crazy money running an R&D organization that would start in October. Its a job I really don't want but its making me comfortable now and I haven't put as much work into my own project as I have been.


Did your project languish as you went to your day job and someone else executed on the idea and was wildly successful?

Did you end up getting fired from that job you took because you just didn't give a shit about it and it showed?

Did you go ahead with your project and maybe even got funded only to have it all come crashing down when Google did it themselves and made it totally free?

Oh man, did you go ahead with the project and it became only modestly successful chaining you to a company that pays you crap but you have to keep it going because your employees have families and you have contracts and obligations and no one wants to buy the company? How could you let that happen? You're screwed, you can't even take a handful of Xanax. How will your employees feed their kids when the company goes belly up after you die? Jesus man. You're lost. I don't want to know you.

Were you wildly successful but at the price of losing your relationship, not because dance was his first priority but because your company was yours?


I'm still partying and getting even deeper into the scene. I almost never pay for anything when I go out anymore other than drugs. My use of drugs is increasing but only a little. The dancer is also a user and he parties every once in a while. He says he wants to more when he's here.


Did you push things to far and end up on a bender that got you arrested or badly hurt?

Did you get busted for possession and end up losing your job and everything else to pay for your lawyer?

Did you and him form a co-dependent drug fueled relationship that caused you to lose everything?

Are you stuck in the scene because everyone else abandoned you because you became too pitiful? Did you end up one of those old guys trying to look young and failing miserably?


Well future self, I really wish you could talk to me now and tell me what to do so I don't keep on collecting regrets. I really have no more room to keep them.

(no subject)
me sorta
rikkimasala
Still here.

I'm now officially unemployed and unofficially trying to start a new company. That startup I wanted to join flaked on me. They're rethinking their business plan and suspending current operations. i.e. their "investors" probably changed their minds. That really pissed me off. But whatever... I did a quick web app on my own just to sharpen some skills I let go dull. It ended up being cool and useful and now I'm turning into a real commercial quality app.

My social life is basically the same. My feelings about it are not. At least not at the moment. I went to a party on Saturday and just was not at all having a good time. I tried but never really felt like I belonged there. There's a bunch of things I can attribute to that.

I went on a family vacation with my ex-wife and son to Cancun for my son's spring break. I had a great time mostly because my family was together again. When it was over I started getting depressed and spiting my homosexuality for essentially taking that family away from me.

I gained a little bit of weight that shows. I know its mostly in my head because its only like 5 pounds but still it shows and I was definitely self-conscious about it. I know that's silly but it was real and has an effect on me.

I hooked up with someone I shouldn't have and now I have to deal with that and I really don't want to. I'm not really attracted to him beyond the screw and he's all about a relationship and so am I but not with him and I know he's expecting more. A bridge is about to be burned there and it was a good bridge.

Sal is playing games with me again, or at least being himself and though I try to ignore it I can't. I wish I could but I can't.

At the party I was limited to only GHB which is a depressant. GHB by itself basically sucks. Its a good "icing" drug to enhance another high; coke, ketamine or ecstasy. I had no coke and I'm not doing any ecstasy until White Party this weekend.

Yes, I'm going to The White Party. I really hope I get out of this funk before I get there. I seriously am for the most part deep in internalized homophobia. Of course at the same time I almost constantly lament that I don't have a boyfriend. I'm just royally fucked up at the moment.




Oh yeah...
me sorta
rikkimasala
For a period of time, during the second half of December and the first half of January, multiple people have mistaken me for some new porn star. When this happened I never had the presence of mind to ask which video they thought they saw me in. Actually one time I said "yes, that's me" when a really hot guy asked me and then I took him home. But anyway, I'm not one for porn necessarily. If anyone knows which porn star I resemble PLEASE let me know...

Still here...
me sorta
rikkimasala
I'm still alive and kicking. A lot has happened since my last post. I stopped writing because I've been busy and I've just not been feeling much like writing. I guess I'll start by catching this up to where my life is then see where it goes from there. Ok, here goes.

Soon after my last post about me being an ugly beautiful person I was summoned to the main office in Stockholm. It was primarily for a feel good Christmas gathering of the entire company. While I was there I also discussed my new project with other people who would be involved in some way. Without going into too many details it ended up with me in a meeting with the new head of operations, who has no real technical background, telling me that I was not allowed to run the project my way; I had to do it someone else's way and have them approve everything I do. My response was "Fuck you, I quit!" and that's what happened. I quit. Or at least tried to. They wouldn't hear it. I tried two more times until they finally relented and got me to stay around on contract at an exorbitant hourly rate, like 4x my old salary, just to transition stuff over. That contract ends at the end of this month.

For most of January I looked at various jobs and talked to a few people about various options. Right now I'm looking at joining a startup in a very early stage, becoming Director of Engineering at a mid-sized software company or being a hard-core coder at a smaller company. I listed the opportunities in the order in which I want them to come to full fruition. I'll see what happens and hope for the best.

My ex-wife has been offered a job in Stockholm as a VP of Human Resources. She's going to take it which means she's leaving soon. At the same time my son decided he was going to join the Coast Guard directly after high school so he'll be leaving soon too. I'm excited for both of them and a little sad that they're both leaving. Its nice how we're all starting new chapters in our lives at the same time though.

Sal and I are talking again. He approached me one night at Trigger as though nothing had happened. I don't know where things will lead with him and I'm not going to do anything to influence where things lead. I'm just going to sit back and let stuff happen. Its completely up to him how much he wants to come back into my life and I'm taking all of this cautiously with a bit of cynicism mainly to protect myself from further hurt.

My legal issues are still going but it seems to have turned a corner and now its a matter of waiting for a court date where my lawyer feels it will all be settled in my favor. I've stopped thinking about it daily and that's been a load off my mind.

In five weeks, I'm going back to where I grew up, Connecticut, to help out my mother after her hip operation. I'll be there for a week or two. I haven't been there in over five years. I really do not like Connecticut. I've grown and changed soooooo much since I lived there and now it's all completely foreign to me. I don't know how many of my old friends I want to look up while I'm there. We've all grown so far apart and seeing them again would just be awkward at this point. Some of them are on my Facebook and I see where they're at and know that I am a million miles away.

Another thing is, my mom still doesn't know I'm gay. As far as she knows I'm still married and straight. I haven't told her because she is super depressive and on loads of medication and the smallest thing is likely so send her into a spiral. I spent a great deal of my childhood life protecting her so she wouldn't spiral. That's something that actually has severely affected my life and the way I interact with people. Her house is filled with pictures of me and now with pictures of me and my ex-wife and son. If I were to damage that image she has I really don't know what would happen. I really do want to tell her I'm gay and fill her in on what is really going on in my life but I'm afraid I can't. I probably never will be able to and that just sucks.

(no subject)
me sorta
rikkimasala
Hmm... So I was talking to an acquittance. A guy I know and see out often. We always say hi to each other but never sat down and talked. He knew one of the guys I was with and came over and sat down with us. He's got absolutely no filters. He's definitely an Asperger's case. So out of the blue he turns to me and tells me how sorry he is for me and how hard it must be for me. "What?" was my bewildered response. He proceeded to tell me that I'm an "Average Beautiful Person". "A 10 who's a 5 in his class". I remember those phrases exactly and I can still hear him say them. He went on to explain his theory and here it is:

There's three main classes of people. Ugly, Regular/Common/Average and Beautiful. Its a bell curve with Common being 80% of the population and the extremes being 10% each. So I fit within the Beautiful group BUT within that group I'm average, plain, ehh. I'm not good enough for most beautiful people and too good for everyone else. I sit in a rut in the overall bell curve, the worst place to be.

I wasn't sure if I should have gotten up and smacked him, or thanked him then go hang myself. I was in shock as was the rest of the table.

(no subject)
me sorta
rikkimasala
So, I'm about to quit my current job. I'm going to take the first short term contract job I find then I'm the fuck out of here. This company is fucked. I've stayed far too long on a sinking ship.

Every year since 1999 I've decorated the Christmas tree with my wife/ex-wife and son. Even after the divorce. I'd go to her apartment and the three of us would do it. Well not this year. For some reason she decided to have Sal and his fucking ex boyfriend come over and do it. I guess I know where I stand now. Fuck all of them!

I'm likely to get the fuck out of San Francisco and go to LA, probably West Hollywood and start all over again. I've started looking for jobs in that area.

I'm giving Ari one more chance this weekend (like that even matters if I'm taking off). It'll probably go no where.

I'm just beyond sick of everyfuckingthing and I'm ready to make some serious changes damn any consequences. Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose.

(no subject)
me sorta
rikkimasala
Thanksgiving gave no clarity with Ari. He doesn't know what he wants and I'm about done waiting for him to figure it out. *sigh* I'm likely to see him out tonight but I'll probably mostly ignore him. Even if he does come around I don't know how I feel about him any more. I'm not one for constant indecision. Ari seems to be a mass of indecision.

So there's this "kid" at The Endup that's been digging on me. I say kid because he is. 19 to be exact. He's got a fake ID. He's definitely very cute. But he's 19. Did I mention that? I've been conflicted about what if anything to do about it. He's a year older than my son, less than half my age. We were dancing last night, sometimes in an embrace. I kept thinking how my son would react if I ever brought this boy home. It might freak him out. Hell beyond that it kind of freaks me out. Well I guess not enough to not even consider anything with him. I'm likely to see him out tonight too. Ehh just one more thing to add to my inner neuroses. I should probably just forget about it. I can't see anything good coming from it.

(no subject)
me sorta
rikkimasala
Ehh... Not too much has been going on lately.

I was supposed to be going to Miami with Sal tomorrow but of course that's no longer happening. Instead I'm going to a Thanksgiving dinner with Ari and a few other friends. Ari and I have been getting a little closer albeit slowly. I'm still not entirely sure where he's at. Sometimes I think he's wanting some sort of relationship with me and other times not. He's even admitted that he's not sure. I'm hoping to get more clarity tomorrow.

I'm slowly getting over the total severance of any kind of friendship with Sal. It hurt at first even though I knew it was the best thing. Over time its gotten better. I really don't want anything more to do with him right now. Anger aside, there's just some things about him that don't sit well with me any more. He changed significantly since he moved to San Francisco. I get that people change but that doesn't mean I need to live with the changes. As time passed and more changes came to be I felt further removed from him but I ignored them for the most part thinking they were temporary. He started treating me like shit behind my back while smiling in my face as he used me. Whatever. He's basically an extended member of my family so I know I'll see him again at some point. When that happens I'll see how I feel and where he is. Right now I don't want anything to do with him.

My legal issues are getting better but still not settled. They may all be settled on the 29th of this month. My fingers are crossed for that.

Otherwise, I've been boring...

?

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